The Meltdown

Well, it happened.

I had a pregnancy-related mental breakdown the other night.

My husband and I were laying in bed trying to sleep, but my train of thought was derailing and going TOTALLY off the tracks as the minutes passed.

There came a point where it had to be said aloud.

I had to talk about it.

It had to be said.

…

“Brian?”

“What?”

“Will you still love me after I change?”

“What do you mean?”

“After I become a mom and I’m no longer the same person you knew before…”

…

I cant even type that conversation without my eyes welling up.

Let me make this clear: We have no regrets about becoming parents; however, I dont think its wrong or ‘petty’ to mourn the approaching death of the only self youve ever known inside… I’m sure my both my husband and I will become better people through parenthood, but the unknown future of changing inside, whether good or bad, is still a scary endeavor nonetheless. We dont know HOW we will change. We dont know in WHAT WAYS, or if we will even still feel the same way about eachother… Will we feel MORE love for eachother? Will we just go into survival auto-pilot? What will our lives be like soon? It’s a lot to process. If you are struggling, please don’t think me petty. This is a real thing to feel.

…

“Yes, but Steph, you’re not going to change.”

“Yes I am. The moment Shepherd comes out, you and I will no longer be the same. In an instant, the ‘old us’ we’ve known before will disappear. What will that be like?”

…

I started bawling like a manic then.

Like, UGLY sobbing into the pillow.

Residual mascara running everywhere…

“Steph, when he comes out, you wont give two craps about that.”

“I KNOW, BUT I DO RIGHT NOW! IM SCARED!”

“I know you are, but it’s going to be okay. I promise. I think we will grow closer as parents, but will grow together.”

“I know we’re older and having kids, and I know we wanted kids and had to overcome challenges to bring him here… but somehow now, I wish we had more time. Like I wish we had met sooner… I feel like I’ve really screwed up as a wife and now im about to screw up as a mom too. And I dont wanna forget what we had together before the baby.”

It got deep.

And uncomfortable.

I continued,

“I mean, I’m so scared about it not being just us any longer. I KNOW thats stupid sounding and there are a lot of people struggling out there that would LONG to be feeling this way, but I’m just trying to grieve the life I had and get ready for the brand new life ahead and its overwhelming and I’m scared!!! Like, who is READY to be a parent? WHO?!?! Who has that kind of confidence to be like, “Shoot yeah im ready. I am so ready?!”

Truthfully though… I dont believe anyone is truly ready to be a first time parent once it happens. I think people think that their lives would be better and have more significance somehow if they had a tiny human wondering around in it, and that’s where the feeling of ‘readiness’ comes from… 🙂 But being TRULY ‘ready’? I think you full of complete bs.

I recently have experienced some personal attacks from others, pointing out human flaws I have (like they dont have them too). These attacks have been made simply because im the daughter of a Pastor, which I think is ridiculous. I have tried to not allow my shortcomings in the past to control my feelings about myself becoming a mother.

Brian told me, “I think you will be a good mom. We will change together and it will be for the better. Its not like we’re going to become someone totally unknown. We will be the same, but improved for the sake of our kid.”

That somehow made me feel better.

I have ALWAYS had excruciating difficulty dealing with signigicant life changes. Switching careers, getting married, moving away from my parents, confronting health problems, having a baby… I have struggled with EVERY one of those things most people would be on board with – to the point of requiring medication and/or therapy to help get me through. Once the transition period has passed, I am fine… but the transitioning process is terrifying and very painful for me.

You can only imagine how Im feeling. Lol. Im excited, but paralyzed with fear at the same time.

I can’t stand other people’s smaller kids. LOL. THERE. I SAID IT. I AM GOING TO HELL FOR DOING SO BUT THERE I SAID ITTTTTTT. Thats not to say I don’t love them. Lol. I just can’t stand the responsibility. Im very nervous about watching kids and having to entertain them. I’ve never been the babysitter type.

PLEASE TELL ME THIS WILL CHANGE WHEN ITS MY OWN CHILD. PLEASE.

Everyone tells me that a ‘switch’ will just turn on that will put me in ‘mother mode’ the moment they lay him on my chest, and that I will rock it…

But I’m still very afraid.

What is that like – to change in an instant? For good?

I don’t even know how to hold a baby. Lol.

To everyone reading this, did you feel the same way before you had a child for the first time? Am I stupid? Lol

I like to think many millions of people have laid awake at night with their spouses too and had a good cry about this very same thing: The awareness that it will never be “just us” again.

Right now, im scared about the upcoming transition. I am 28 weeks now.

3 months til it’s showtime.

After my meltdown the other night, I’ve felt much better about things… I got it out of my system. I acknowledged my feelings to the most important person in my life. He will forever know how I felt before Shepherd’s arrival.

Am I personally 100% ready for the arrival of our son?

No. Lol.

But when he comes, it will happen, and once the shock and transition process is over, everything will be fine. I’m preparing to lose part of myself in order to gain greater qualities over time. And it will be the same for my husband.

I will know what its like then. I will learn to adjust to my new previously unknown life again.

And it will be okay. 🙂

It’s go time.