Ultrasound Experience & Parental Anxiety

So, we just went to a 16-week 3-D ultrasound a couple of days ago.

Okay, here’s how things went.

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I laid on the table and got comfortable, and the moment the ultrasound tech put the machine on my belly, there it was: his weenie. Cheers erupted throughout the room from our families. My husband cried. No matter what it was going to be, it was a special moment, but we found out we were parents to a boy. That means deer huntin’ fishing, trucks, getting dirty, farming – all the NC hillbilly stuff. How fun to know I was going to have another great guy in my life now. I would now be surrounded by boys – my husband, our son, and the cat. Lol

After that announcement, things went sci-fi real quick.

Out of the dark, murky fluid slowly emerged a face; but not an automatically clear one. It was like seeing a ‘face’ in the paneling in your bathroom. – you can make it out, but can’t quite attach human attributes to it…

Then, suddenly…. a hand reaches up to wave at us all, from the world within – to the world above. Just when we thought it couldn’t get stranger, this tiny, cynical smile crept across his face LOL:

I know nothing of his life inside my body. Like, how is he even breathing? … Like a dang fish? What is he smiling about? Is he afraid of the dark? Lol

It freaks me out. Not gonna lie.

I have very odd reactions as a mom. I can own it.

Some mothers would have tears streaming down their face seeing him wave and smile like this; some would think to themselves, ‘wow‘… But not I.

I was like,

As the ultrasound progressed, we watched as Shepherd (that’s his middle name – what I will call him on this blog), did barrel rolls. Literally.

I cannot explain how weird it is to see your kid doing that to your insides and you not feel that movement at all yet. He literally did an airplane spin several times in a row like he was in a swimming pool – and I felt nothing. Not even a bubble. I know I could feel him moving any day now, but it hasn’t happened yet, so it was more like watching what was on the screen happen to someone else’s body and not my own.

The tech told me that Shepherd has very large feet to only be 16 weeks into existence. She said this indicated that he would probably be a very tall baby – possible 22 inches or a little more when he’s born. That thought scared me. I kept picturing feet hanging out of my junk as I walked around closer to delivery time…

In my mind, this meant I was going to give birth to Hoss Cartwright from Bonanza and I was terrified about how my short, chubby body was going to handle passing a watermelon out of that orifice. I kept picturing my body exploding from the pressure… Like me falling down in a parking lot and literally blowing up.

She also told us he had long arms, and good muscle tone already developing. -and long eyelashes. 🙂

All of these are wonderful things to learn.

Our baby is healthy and doing great as of now.

After the first 20 minutes of odd fear in my mind subsided, I was really into seeing our baby move around. It was an awesome experience I will never forget. The sense of pride I felt as a mother was indescribable.

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I don’t care what anyone says about anything – it is normal to feel anxious about pregnancy, birth, and raising a child. I’ve had women seriously come up to me and act like they have it all together. They try so hard to be magazine-mom’s, and it’s like they miss the bigger picture because they are so self-absorbed with this toxic mom-culture in today’s world.

I can’t be the only one that feels this way, right?

I’m not concerned about how we will discipline, our kids possessions, how they look, or how our family will appear to other people outside looking in… I’m concerned about the bigger picture. For example:

Have I done the right thing purposely bringing a child into a world like this?
Will our son choose the right friends in school?
Will he turn the other direction and fight against us someday, due to the pressure to drop his family’s ‘outdated’ belief system?
Will he be saved?
It’s hard realizing that once you decide to bring life into the world, that because it is a living, breathing person, that he will die someday just like you will.
Will he be a good person to others?
Because we are older first-time parents, I feel like money, careers, and so many other things will become less important over time…
How can we raise our baby like we were raised, if the world we were raised in no longer exists for them?

One thing is certain: Motherhood is the greatest thing, and the hardest thing.

How can this person that’s only the size of an apple right now, change my entire world?