Funny Life Stories

Where Will You Be When It Happens To You

Last year, I went to a Guy Penrod concert with my friend Brandi and her mom Sandra.

If you don’t know who Guy Penrod is, who even ARE you? Lol

Behold.

Guy Penrod is a Gospel and Country singer who gained massive attention when he entered the Gaither Vocal Band in 1994. He is esteemed for his great vocal range, good preaching between songs, and of course, his long grey locks of Biblical proportions. He often is seen wearing large western belt-buckles and wearing shakespearean-type shirts. I think it’s a cool look for him personally.

In the south, men with long hair in the church is still sorta controversial to the older population… Don’t ask me WHY, because I really don’t know why most of them can’t get over it. I dig long hair, and Jesus had long hair, so I don’t see what the problem is. I think it depends on the church to be honest, and the Preacher’s attitude sometimes… I think older people just lose their marbles about it to get a pat on the back for looking more ‘holy’ somehow. LOL. In me and my friend Brandi’s eyes, this makes him somewhat scandalous around here. LOL! We also have formed this theory because we have heard older relatives say things when they see him on T.V. like, “Ah there’s Moses” when he steps out on stage LOL. WE LIVE FOR IT.

In all seriousness, Guy Penrod is a joy to listen to, especially live. He’s very down-to-earth with the audience and… let’s just cut to the chase here: He’s got a nice set of pipes! This guy can SING. -and he’s a nice looking man to top it off. Great stage presence – you name it, this guy’s got it. He has one of the best voices in Christian music in my humble opinion.

Yassssssssssssss Queen!

Me and my girlfriends were excited for the concert, as this guy is a local legend, especially in the south. We went out to eat beforehand at Cracker Barrel, and I got one of my favorite dishes there: The southern grilled chicken caesar salad. I made the decision to ask for a side of ranch also. (That salad is INCREDIBLE with both at the same time by the way). We talked, we laughed, we ate, we looked around the store… All was well in the world.

Nothing could possibly go wrong.

The venue was at a large, local church. We arrived early so we could get a decent seat. We ended up being on the right side of the stage. We were surrounded by old people. White heads everywhere. Like a sea of q-tips. Lol There were some other youth there, but they were drowned in the sea of white. Lol Guy Penrod isn’t an ‘old people singer’ in my mind, so my friends and I conversed about why this could be the demographic displayed in the room, and we decided in the end that it may be because of the Christian music movement into the more contemporary realm in the mid to late 1990s. The younger generation simply may not have grown up hearing Gaither music outside of the church… I for one, really enjoy both contemporary and country gospel, but that’s just me. (Guy also sings contemporary style music, so who knows…)


See this picture of a cotton field?

That’s not cotton. It’s the audience.

It was at a certain moment, I remember feeling something gurgle in my stomach.

I shook it off.

My parents were seated above and across from us in the balcony area.

We waved at them.

The woman in front of us had to be nearly 100 years old.

I’m not kidding.

My friends and I participated in normal female conversation while we waited.

(For a soundtrack for the next scene, click play on the video below and keep reading)

My stomach gurgled again.

I brushed it off.

We watched our phones to check the time… 5 minutes til showtime.

The lights began to dim.

My stomach gurgled again and I felt a SHARP stabbing pain, and this time…

I COULD IGNORE IT NO LONGER.

and I oop!

“I’ve got to go to the bathroom RIGHT NOW” I told Brandi as I started climbing over her in a panic. I calmly went out the side door just a couple of feet away from our row and once the door closed behind me and blocked me from the crowd, I made a B-line to the restroom. I RAN.

I burst into the room suddenly, scaring a woman that was washing her hands. I ducked into the nearest stall, locked the door.

I was sweating.

I got myself ready and grabbed the railing. I thought I was dying right there in that church that night. The pain in my stomach was so INTENSE.

I begged for God to take my life as everything my ancestors have ever eaten since 1776 exited my body in just 4 seconds with the pressure of a fire hose.

I was asking God to forgive me of my sins in that stall.

DELIVER ME

A woman came in and made eye contact with me through the door-gap in the stall, and when she heard me whimpering like a DOG, she quickly left. A tear rolled down my face – not due to sadness, but due to relief.

Silence.

(you can stop the soundtrack now lol)

….

More Silence.

Was it over?

I decided to wait a little bit to be sure I would survive, and that no more was coming.

I was all good.

This description is the reality of life folks. Diarrhea happens to everyone. -and it always seems to happen at the worst possible time.

Does it get worse?

Oh, you bet it does.

Before I left, I washed my hands probably 100 x past the appropriate level, making sure there was no residual poop on my hands. I noticed the time, and saw I had been in there about 10 minutes, just to really make sure I was empty. Lol

I walked out the bathroom door, and there he was.

Guy Penrod.

Alone.

In the hallway.

I had come face to face with the long-haired king of gospel music.

Just me, him, and the holy spirit.

He was taller than Goliath.

Taller than the world trade center.

and HE SAW ME WALK OUT OF THE BATHROOM.

He never saw me go in. They had blocked off entry to that hallway…. SO HE KNEW I HAD BEEN IN THERE FOR A GOOD WHILE.

He knew I had pooped.

He KNEW.

To make matters even worse, I was dressed like an 8-year old. (I was 29 years old when this happened lol) I was wearing this ugly dress with black leggings and black shoes. My hair was flat as can be on my head, an awkward length, and I had chipmunk cheeks because I was rapidly gaining weight. Lol

I then did one of the dumbest things ever.

I squeaked, “How are you?”

SO STUPID!

But he replied to me so kindly, “I’m doing just fine, how are you?” -and he smiled real big.

I told him I was good and looking forward to the show and scurried past him to the side door. Just as I walked back inside the church, he was introduced and went out on stage.

The concert was awesome.

Afterwards, I lingered around and managed to catch him in the same hallway with some other people taking pictures, and I got this prize:

Remember me?????!!!! LOL -and whats awful is I LOOK like a person who has diarrhea in this photo! LOOK AT ME.

Someone dared me to touch his hair, but alas… I couldn’t bring myself to ask him.

Where will you be when Diarrhea hits?

Hopefully not at a Guy Penrod concert.

4 thoughts on “Where Will You Be When It Happens To You

  1. You are beyond talented in your writing skills. At your age, you hesitate to touch the hair. At my age, I would have twirled the lock of hair ‘round my finger.

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