Funny Life Stories

2nd Grade Picasso

Me in 2nd Grade

(Names have been changed to protect identities. You know it’s going to be a doosie if you have to give a disclaimer first LOL)

Preacher’s kids sometimes have a cloak of invisibility when they are in public school. For some reason, the teachers always let their guard down on us. Lol They just assume we’re all going to be well-behaved children & pray perfectly for the whole class every day before we go to lunch (yes, we did that back then). Little did they know how inconceivable my deeds could really be. ..

Nobody would’ve imagined what this precious child was capable of. If only they could have known what monster lied beneath. Lol

1996. Potts Elementary. Mrs. Borgen’s class. 2nd grade

I had a friend named Emma in that class. Our desks were right beside eachother. We had an unseen alliance you see – because for some odd reason, we decided we didn’t like another girl named Terri. I do not remember our reasoning for this, but I’m sure it was really stupid.

One evening when I was at home, a NatGeo special came on t.v. about some indigenous people living in Australia. My parent’s were discussing something deep in the kitchen, & they weren’t paying attention to the fact that I went from watching FernGully to this. The movie was over & was rewinding & went to regular programming. I watched this documentary about the aborigines in awe, confused by all the new body parts I was seeing. This tribe was apparently so remote, that loin cloths were not needed, & the babies clung to their mothers like sloths… The monster within me filed these images away for use later.

The next morning at school, I had drawn something to show Emma.

I proceeded to pull out a piece of loose-leaf paper that bore the image of a man/dog hybrid – with male genitalia. Anatomically correct. In all it’s confusing glory. Emma was blown away by my artistic skills. I had skills, & Emma knew it. I encouraged Emma to try out her talents also, & through my apprenticeship, her skills began to flourish. Together, we gave birth to art. We hid our work in our desks & had the audacity to work on them during class time – how we did this undetected for so long, I have no idea.

About a week later, Emma & I came into class & sat down when we noticed our priceless ‘art’ was missing from our desks.

We knew Mrs. Borgen had somehow located our contraband, & therefore, we were in fear of our lives. I remember Emma saying, “We might get in trouble for drawing it, but we wont get trouble about Terri because she doesnt know thats Terri.”

However, I was scared – especially sense I knew my portraits of Terri had some very damning evidence:

We somehow made it through that day without being confronted by our teacher. Emma & I parted ways, & I got on the bus & rode home. My mom was waiting for me at the end of the driveway. I thought to myself, “I am going to die now.”

“Mrs. Borgen called us & wants us to come in for a conference right now. We’re going to get your daddy & go back to the school. Did you get in any trouble today?”

My reaction.

I kept my cool. I was like, “No.” LOL Much to my surprise, when we got there, Emma & her mom was there, & so was TERRI’s mom! (Might have been dads too – I can’t remember) Mrs. Borgen said to them, “Emma & Stephanie have been drawing some inappropriate pictures while at school. I found these in their desks today, & they indicate that they are depicting Terri.” She then fanned out a series of ‘art’ on the table – all nudes in various poses participating in the stupidest of activities. NOTHING was sexually-related at all -We didn’t know what that was.

I remember one in particular had ‘Terri’ drawn with male genitals & huge female breasts. She tied her weenie (I’m trying to keep this G-rated people & it’s very difficult LOL) to a semi-truck & was towing it behind her.

All of the parents – ALL OF THEM IN THAT ROOM – busted out laughing, almost to the point of crying. Emma & I thought a miracle had happened. Then things took a dramatic turn when Mrs. Borgen accused my parents of having pornographic material in our house. My Dad became ENRAGED & said,

“You can tear my house apart board by board & you will not find anything like that! These were drawn somehow from innocence! It’s not like they are doing it in the pictures?”

That meeting did not end well for Mrs. Borgen. Lol

I can understand bringing it up to the parents now that I am looking back, because even though the drawn images weren’t participating in any ‘activities’, the images were anatomically correct. Lol. The parent/teacher conference turned into a giant argument & a quick crash-course for our teacher on children (She hadn’t had kids herself yet)… When my parents got me to the car, they beat my butt. Then when I got home, they beat my butt again – because it embarrassed them so badly.

They had to have a coaching session with me about how it wasn’t nice to draw pictures of peoples privates.

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